Pregnancy, Sexual Intimacy and Family
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Someone recently wrote the following (Paraphrased):
A few weeks ago my husband told me he no longer wished for marital intimacy. His excuse is that he is "practicing" for after our baby comes. I thought this was some kind of flute, but it's been over two weeks and still he has made no attempt at intimacy.
He can be so sensitive in other areas. Helping me out around the house, moving and lifting things because he knows it is difficult for me, helping with the dishes. Little things.
I think a lot of the problem may stem from his relationship with his family. He loves to be around them, but when we are with them (which is way too often) we are even less intimate. He was brought up with certain beliefs as to "roles" in the family. When we're with his family, he suddenly becomes insensitive to my needs and at times I feel more like a sister than his wife. I think he is trying to prove his manhood, or something to his family. Probably because we found out that I'm having a girl. (Truth is, I'm thrilled even if he is not!) I don't know. I truly think he prefers his family over me (at least when we are with them).
When we first married we all went to the same church. Many hurtful things were said and done to me while we attended there and my husband agreed that I should not return. However, far too often he still chooses to go with them--leaving me to go to my own church alone!
On one hand, I love my husband, but I find myself more and more unhappy coming in "second place" in his life. I can't stop feeling sorry for myself that I married this flip-flopping guy and now I'm having a child by this insensitive person. Where is God in all this?
My Response:
Right where He has always been--on His throne ruling the universe while He continues to move and work in your life--for the good!
Seriously though, this may be very thing God had in mind when He said a husband will "leave his father and mother" and "cleave (join with as one) unto his wife"!
Family can be so wonderful, but family can also pull a husband and wife apart. In fact, this week I was listening to Real Family Life with Dennis Rainey and the comment was made that "in-laws" are a part of the equation in almost all divorces. Staggering and frightening thought!
In-laws would be wise to never come between a husband and wife because God said, "Let no man (oh, that most definitely includes moms, dads and other family members) put asunder". Indeed these are strong words of warning because God takes marriage very seriously. Marriage has been given to us as an example of the "oneness" of the God-head Trinity--an example of our oneness with Christ! Woe! Marriage is holy and sacred!
That being said, some men do have a problem with sexual intimacy with their pregnant wives. Men can have all sorts of hang-ups about intimacy during and sometimes following pregnancy. Awkwardness, size, position(s), just the mere fact that you are now a "mother" can affect your husband's sexual drive and cause him to be insensitive to your continued need for intimacy, or at least to your need to be assured of your sexual desirability and attractiveness. Hard, but, take heart, most men do get over this hurdle!
You are at a bump (yes, pun intended!) in the road right now. Your husband may have feelings that he is less of a "man" because he isn't having a son. Oh, my goodness! This one goes back to Genesis! So many men feel this way, I sure my own dad did, but, I can tell you I was the apple of my daddy's eye and he, mine! Give it time!
Your husband really needs to study genetics a little bit further because it is the male that determines the sex of your child. It doesn't matter whether or not you wanted a little girl--that was determined ions ago by our great God! (Psalms 139 and Jeremiah 1:5)
It is encouraging that your husband is seeking ways to help you during this time. Be sure to let him know that you have noticed his attempts (no matter how small) and that you appreciate his caring concern.
I don't know what circumstances caused you to leave your husband's church, but, it I'm not sure that your husband continuing to worship apart from you at his family's church is such a good idea! Husbands and wives should worship God together. Otherwise, you are in a true sense spiritually divided, and you know where division comes from! (Romans 16:17-18)
Beloved, the day you married you and your husband became your own wonderful family! Perhaps, as husband and wife you could discuss the importance of worshiping together and seek out a church home that would be suitable for you both.
I know that as the wife, this advice places most of the burden upon you. You are hurting and I certainly don't want to appear to be insensitive to your pain. Remember, dear one, that God has fully equipped you for this task! In fact, He has gifted all women with the innate and wonderful ability to "influence" their husbands. However, we must be careful to always seek to use this gift with great care and discernment! We are admonished to influence our husbands by living godly lives before them. Always with gentleness, kindness and respect for their position (authority, spiritual leadership) over us before Almighty God. (1 Peter 3:1-6)
Continue in God's word and in fervent prayer! Right now, those are your best weapons against the evil one, because, my dear sister, it is satan that is behind all this confusion! (1 Corinthians 14:33 KJV)
Please know others are praying, too!
